I'm walking around Stop & Shop and I can't find the honey. I find a man who works there and he looks at me and says, "Can I help you, m'am?" The last word of this sentence gives me a bit of a jolt. I take a second to recover and ask the nice man if he could please tell me where they keep the honey. Later, while I'm leaving the store a random employee says "Have a good night, m'am" I wouldn't have even thought he was talking to me, except there was literally no one around because I was there late in the evening. I look, and sure enough he's focused on me so I say "Thanks, you too!"
My question is, do I look like a m'am? I always thought of m'am as being much older. No offense to those older, but i consider a m'am to have gray hair. I know they are just trying to be polite, but I would rather they address me as 'miss'; it's equally polite and doesn't make me feel like I forgot my oxygen tank at home.
I'll never forget once when I was working at Jordan's Furniture and there was a young mom with three little ones running around 'Bourbon Street' as I was watching from the 'Streetcar' where we served ice cream. Business was slow I guess because I noticed she dropped something out of her bag and so I yelled, "Excuse me Miss! You dropped something!" She came over to me so thankful afterward. Not because I noticed she dropped something, but because I called her Miss, and not m'am. Naturally I thought she was crazy, because I was around 16 or 17 so this had no matter to me. However, the encounter did stick with me, and I still think about her when someone calls me 'm'am'...
Let's face it, I'm almost 30 and I'm feeling old. I'm not as bad as some people I know my age (Ahem, Patrick!!), however, it's starting to get on my nerves. I am actually getting a little nervous about when my first gray hair will show up. Not that it matters because I like to change the color of my hair often enough that I am not even sure what the original color is.
Another problem, last weekend I started dancing in my house to a song on the radio. I asked Steve if he was glad I didn't still go clubbing, and he said 'yes' and I realized I was probably never going to go clubbing again and have the same kind of fun that I had when I was 18. I can't go to pick up guys, or to get wasted and not care about the hangover the next day. I can't dress too skanky because I have 'morals' now and a fiance who would get really mad at me. And worst of all, the cherry on top, I really don't even want to go and worry about parking, creepy pervs, and staying up too late and sleeping the whole next day away.
Ugh!! I'm old!!!! It's just the beginning of the end folks... ;-)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
"Of all the things I've lost...
...I miss my mind the most" - Mark Twain
It's overwhelming. I'm not even a real 'wife' yet, and I feel like I have just so many responsibilities laid on my shoulders and no real time or energy to do them all. I can't imagine what it's like when I actually have a child (or two)!
Right now it's just Steve, me, and a dog, and the laundry is never-ending (of course it doesn't help that Chewy has started having sporadic accidents on the bed). I have to hit up the grocery store every other day, and I still feel like I don't ever have anything for dinner. I have a great dishwasher because it's quiet, but I think it's smaller than the past two I've had because dishes need to be washed constantly. I keep failing at getting a rhythm set at the gym. I'm either going to help teach CCD, or doing an infusion, or I've overslept, or I didn't sleep enough. Ugh!
Then there's this whole wedding planning business. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable at times, but I guess something I never realized about myself until now is that I always wanted to get married, but I never really wanted a wedding. Or if I was to have a wedding, I was kind of wishing someone would plan it for me/with me (aka: Mom). It's just not as fun without her here helping me. I know I'll still have a blast with Steve and my friends and family, but there's also a part of me that is really heartbroken whenever I start to think of questions I want to ask her. Then I just decide to stop thinking about it for awhile and nothing ever gets done!!
I really hope it's going to help being on days and having an actual set schedule. I have a feeling it'll help my moods. Also, it'll be nice to plan things with people when both of us are awake at the same time! That whole 'immediate response' thing that I've been lacking for the past five years will be back!!
These past few years I've done nights have flown by. I am surprised how well it worked out actually. I didn't know anything about what life would be like on night shift, but I listened to my gut that it would be a good way to start my career. I was lucky enough to be able to live at home and safe up a good wad of cash to invest in my house with. It's nice that I feel equal with Steve because I put in my half to that house, even though now the money will be 'our' money, it feels good to have contributed. Now I can 'relax' & go to day shift where my body will be able to get back it's normal circadium rhythm.
Soooo excited!!!
It's overwhelming. I'm not even a real 'wife' yet, and I feel like I have just so many responsibilities laid on my shoulders and no real time or energy to do them all. I can't imagine what it's like when I actually have a child (or two)!
Right now it's just Steve, me, and a dog, and the laundry is never-ending (of course it doesn't help that Chewy has started having sporadic accidents on the bed). I have to hit up the grocery store every other day, and I still feel like I don't ever have anything for dinner. I have a great dishwasher because it's quiet, but I think it's smaller than the past two I've had because dishes need to be washed constantly. I keep failing at getting a rhythm set at the gym. I'm either going to help teach CCD, or doing an infusion, or I've overslept, or I didn't sleep enough. Ugh!
Then there's this whole wedding planning business. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable at times, but I guess something I never realized about myself until now is that I always wanted to get married, but I never really wanted a wedding. Or if I was to have a wedding, I was kind of wishing someone would plan it for me/with me (aka: Mom). It's just not as fun without her here helping me. I know I'll still have a blast with Steve and my friends and family, but there's also a part of me that is really heartbroken whenever I start to think of questions I want to ask her. Then I just decide to stop thinking about it for awhile and nothing ever gets done!!
I really hope it's going to help being on days and having an actual set schedule. I have a feeling it'll help my moods. Also, it'll be nice to plan things with people when both of us are awake at the same time! That whole 'immediate response' thing that I've been lacking for the past five years will be back!!
These past few years I've done nights have flown by. I am surprised how well it worked out actually. I didn't know anything about what life would be like on night shift, but I listened to my gut that it would be a good way to start my career. I was lucky enough to be able to live at home and safe up a good wad of cash to invest in my house with. It's nice that I feel equal with Steve because I put in my half to that house, even though now the money will be 'our' money, it feels good to have contributed. Now I can 'relax' & go to day shift where my body will be able to get back it's normal circadium rhythm.
Soooo excited!!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Friendship & Forgiveness
Most of us know what it's like to be broken up with by a boyfriend/girlfriend. It sucks to go through, but eventually you move on and get over it and find someone new. There are certain 'rules' about how to handle yourself after a breakup with a significant other...
What there isn't rules for is how to handle a breakup with a friend! I don't mean a friend who you have lost touch with over time. I mean a friend who has decided for one reason or another that they don't like you anymore. I have had two different friends in the past four and a half years that have 'dumped' me. Neither of them have told me why. For me, this is very, very strange. I've never met such careless creatures before! I usually am quite aware when I have wronged someone and at least have some knowledge as to what I did to provoke such blind hatred!! I do have clues as to what may have happened, but everything happened so fast! It's as if we had a huge fight, except I wasn't actually there for it!
A normal human being would most likely write these so-called 'friends' off and not think about them ever again since they have proven to be useless. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me. Is it because I want people to like me? Sure. But that's not the only reason this really gets to me. There's something more that I have a hard time putting my finger on. I think it doesn't help that one of these ex-friends I still have to see from time-to-time at my job. Clearly, that won't be a problem for much longer since I am switching jobs. However, I am crazy and really feel the need to get closure from this situation because unfortunately this particular ex-friend was an ex-BEST friend to me. I miss her and will miss her even more when I leave. So do I tell her this and risk the self-afflicted punishment of her neither caring or responding? Or even worse, lashing out at me?
I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to tell her that I still want us to be friends because it makes me look desperate. I want her to make the first move. Especially because I don't want to make it look like I am begging for her friendship when I have a lot of good - and REAL - friends. However, there's this nagging sensation in my head (heart?) that tells me if I don't try I'll never know.
Although, when I think back, I recall she always kind of marveled at how I could forgive people because she just couldn't...so I guess that's my answer right there, huh??? It's funny how easily I seem to forgive people. It's in my nature I think, because I like to see the good in people. Yet it leads me to get hurt. A Lot. :-(
What there isn't rules for is how to handle a breakup with a friend! I don't mean a friend who you have lost touch with over time. I mean a friend who has decided for one reason or another that they don't like you anymore. I have had two different friends in the past four and a half years that have 'dumped' me. Neither of them have told me why. For me, this is very, very strange. I've never met such careless creatures before! I usually am quite aware when I have wronged someone and at least have some knowledge as to what I did to provoke such blind hatred!! I do have clues as to what may have happened, but everything happened so fast! It's as if we had a huge fight, except I wasn't actually there for it!
A normal human being would most likely write these so-called 'friends' off and not think about them ever again since they have proven to be useless. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me. Is it because I want people to like me? Sure. But that's not the only reason this really gets to me. There's something more that I have a hard time putting my finger on. I think it doesn't help that one of these ex-friends I still have to see from time-to-time at my job. Clearly, that won't be a problem for much longer since I am switching jobs. However, I am crazy and really feel the need to get closure from this situation because unfortunately this particular ex-friend was an ex-BEST friend to me. I miss her and will miss her even more when I leave. So do I tell her this and risk the self-afflicted punishment of her neither caring or responding? Or even worse, lashing out at me?
I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to tell her that I still want us to be friends because it makes me look desperate. I want her to make the first move. Especially because I don't want to make it look like I am begging for her friendship when I have a lot of good - and REAL - friends. However, there's this nagging sensation in my head (heart?) that tells me if I don't try I'll never know.
Although, when I think back, I recall she always kind of marveled at how I could forgive people because she just couldn't...so I guess that's my answer right there, huh??? It's funny how easily I seem to forgive people. It's in my nature I think, because I like to see the good in people. Yet it leads me to get hurt. A Lot. :-(
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Time for a change
It is bittersweet, but it's time to start to say my goodbye's to the place I have worked/lived the past five years! I put in my two weeks notice and I am somewhere in the middle between extreme happiness and nervous anxiety! I haven't been on day shift in a looonngg time, and I've never worked in another hospital except for my student rotation at Mass General.
I think it will be good, but of course you never know. There are some people who have already started to make me second guess myself a little (mainly people I work with now), but even if it doesn't work out, I feel like I can always come back to night shift if I really want to. I could even try evening shift (3-11:30), but then I'll really NEVER see Steve and my friends.
Ugh, I'm so tired of being tired! And I'm tired of the negativity and the hatred that goes on at this place! I hope it isn't as bad at my next location, even though I know that no place is perfect, they can't all be as bad as here, right?!!?!?!?!?
God help me....
I think it will be good, but of course you never know. There are some people who have already started to make me second guess myself a little (mainly people I work with now), but even if it doesn't work out, I feel like I can always come back to night shift if I really want to. I could even try evening shift (3-11:30), but then I'll really NEVER see Steve and my friends.
Ugh, I'm so tired of being tired! And I'm tired of the negativity and the hatred that goes on at this place! I hope it isn't as bad at my next location, even though I know that no place is perfect, they can't all be as bad as here, right?!!?!?!?!?
God help me....
Friday, February 10, 2012
The key to blogging...
...Is to just do it! I wrote a total of five blogs in 2010, but they were so private I couldn't get around to showing them to anyone. I was at an all time low in my life then, still suffering deeply from the unexpected and sudden loss of my mother...then my dog...then my cat...then my boyfriend...ugh.
Time has gone on, and things have changed drastically. I looked back at those posts and couldn't believe I was that girl once. Which is one of the best parts about blogging and writing in a journal! It's like taking a mental & 'emotional' picture of whatever time and place you are at. When you think of a picture, you think of a visual where you are smiling and trying to look your best. Journaling is raw, and it can show sides of you that aren't so pretty. I know because I have journaled my whole life, although the older I've gotten the less time I've had for it. Which is a pity, because when I do take the time to read an old diary, I can't believe all the things I FORGOT since then! Parts of my existence that were so important to me back then, that I assumed always would be, and I've completely let them fade into the background. I love it, but it's exhausting to do. To write it all. To read it all back. It's exhausting to relive certain times of your life.
Sadly, I have noticed too that it is much more inspiring to journal when you are depressed or angry. When I think of a happy day or time in my life & I want to go back and see if I wrote about it, usually I haven't. I was too caught up in the excitement to want to sit down and write, I suppose. However, life is exciting for me now - finally! -and I've noticed that I have been really wanting to document it. I type faster than I write, so I thought, maybe I should try blogging again!? I also thought that this was a great way to share my experiences with the wedding planning, new house, new puppy, and job search with friends and family who I don't get to talk to as much as I want to.
Let's see how long this lasts!! :-)
Time has gone on, and things have changed drastically. I looked back at those posts and couldn't believe I was that girl once. Which is one of the best parts about blogging and writing in a journal! It's like taking a mental & 'emotional' picture of whatever time and place you are at. When you think of a picture, you think of a visual where you are smiling and trying to look your best. Journaling is raw, and it can show sides of you that aren't so pretty. I know because I have journaled my whole life, although the older I've gotten the less time I've had for it. Which is a pity, because when I do take the time to read an old diary, I can't believe all the things I FORGOT since then! Parts of my existence that were so important to me back then, that I assumed always would be, and I've completely let them fade into the background. I love it, but it's exhausting to do. To write it all. To read it all back. It's exhausting to relive certain times of your life.
Sadly, I have noticed too that it is much more inspiring to journal when you are depressed or angry. When I think of a happy day or time in my life & I want to go back and see if I wrote about it, usually I haven't. I was too caught up in the excitement to want to sit down and write, I suppose. However, life is exciting for me now - finally! -and I've noticed that I have been really wanting to document it. I type faster than I write, so I thought, maybe I should try blogging again!? I also thought that this was a great way to share my experiences with the wedding planning, new house, new puppy, and job search with friends and family who I don't get to talk to as much as I want to.
Let's see how long this lasts!! :-)
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